Hunger

 TW: ED. 

I wasn't sure if I should upload this. But anyway, here it is. If any part of this work is offensive or insensitive, please let me know.

I do not have an ED, this is merely my interpretation of how it might be for someone to go through it, criticisms are welcome. I do not intend to glorify or romanticize ED and for those who might be struggling with ED, I hope you get through this and I hope you find the strength and support to defeat it.

I do not want to write. 

I don't have it in me to rhyme it and mean it at the same while. 

But there's something so haunting in the peace I've found. 

I cannot comprehend it. I don't think I can pen it down. But I will try.

With the beginning, my laughs faded. Slowly my love for words came back to me. 

When I read, I lose. The words. They don't come as quickly to my mouth as they do when I forget the feel of a book in my hands or the sight of my phone memory crammed with literature. When I read, the words flow so enchantingly into my head, and they cling to my tongue and never leave past it. Sickens me to speak. Sickens me to write. 

Sickens me to do anything at all.

When I began I didn't know I had it in me.

But I do.

The more I hunger, the lighter I feel. In my head, in my belly, in the body that I cannot keep.

I count the steps and the beat of my heart. 

And I stay silent. 

And I hunger.

But lord the willpower I found. I will starve for my life to hold onto this.

It feels like death. In a pleasant way. When I'm starving I am quite a bit at ease with dying unknown to this world. I don't need them to know me.

The pinchings inside make me feel like I'm winning but when I pinch my body with my hands, I see the excessiveness of my existence. I do not need it.

I love my body but I know it doesn't need to hold onto so much. I will teach it to let go. 

Slowly maybe my mind will also follow. To let go of everything it consumes. 

There's is a peace, there's a lightness to being. I see that every noon. My mind scattered and my eyes filled with stars. I know I'll come out of this changed. I trust myself that it would be for the better.